Archive for September, 2008


My friend Clarica came over for a visit on Friday. She gave me a hug, asked how I was doing, and then exclaimed that my back fat was going away.

Of all the areas that could be losing fat, that’s one that you don’t really think about. It’s not like you can see your own back easily, and if you twist to look at it in a mirror, you’re going to make yourself have lumps and rolls anyhow. But sure enough. she was right. I reached back there and poked around, and where I once had rolls and rolls of back fat (sex-AY), I now have padding. It’s still a lot of padding, but it’s not rolls and rolls anymore.

I’m glad she noticed. Sean is pretty damn unobservant (partially because he looks at me and sees “beautiful” rather than “fat” [I love this guy]) and as such doesn’t really notice any changes unless they’re in-your-face obvious, like dying your hair hot pink or getting a full-body tattoo.

Apparently, when Clarica loses weight, she loses it first in her back as well. So I’m not that unusual (well, at least, not in that respect). I wish I were losing some of this ass, though. And belly. And granny flaps (the lovely dangling fat of the upper arms). Heck, I should just be grateful that it’s not my boobs that are melting away.  Right?

Feeling good. I can’t tell if my clothes are fitting more loosely or not; I’ll be able to tell after I do some laundry (nothing like a pair of jeans fresh out of the dryer to make you feel fat and bloated).

I got a flyer in the mail yesterday for a women’s health day, sponsored by Swedish Medical Centers. There’s workshops/seminars/etc, and free screenings and tests. I’m actually thinking about going, because I can get a bone density screening and a body composition screening. When my friend Ivana did a diet study with Fred Hutch, they did those and it sounded pretty interesting to get that information.  I think it would be cool to have that as a baseline, and get the tests again once I’m closer to my goal weight/size.  I already know that my bodyfat is somewhere above 40-something percent, so it’s not like I’m going to have a huge crisis when I see the numbers. Plus, they feed you lunch.


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I had my once-a-month 30-minute session with Justin the Personal Trainer today. It went quite well. We focused on upper-body work interspersed with intervals on the bike.

I kicked ASS. He was totally impressed with how much strength I’ve gained in the last 4 weeks. He’d set the machine to the weight he thought I was going to be able to handle, and almost universally, I’d have to bump it up 10-20 pounds. RAWR.

So now I have another workout cheat sheet to use on days when I am not doing Pilates or Yoga. And this one was pretty intense. Yay!

I’ve discovered (again) that I really like strength/resistance training. I like feeling strong, and noticing the differences in my body’s abilities.

I weighed myself today at the end of the workout. 280 (including shoes and sweat). I was 285 a month ago. Considering that I’ve cut my caloric intake massively ( says I had about 1900 calories yesterday, and on a typical binge day (of which I had probably 3 a week), I was eating something like 5600 calories a day), I’ve probably dumped a ton of fat, and I really feel like I’ve gained a ton of muscle, so that makes a lot of sense, numbers-wise.

Okay, holy shit. Give me a moment while I quietly freak out over here. I was eating over 5000 calories a day. Regularly. I’m surprised I only weighed 285 when I started this. Jeez.

I haven’t yet decided if I’m going to keep using fitday or not. Might be a good place to keep track of my weight goals (bonus! pretty charts!), but I have a feeling that if I start tracking all my foods, I’ll go crazy. Maybe I’ll do that once a month, too, just like the weigh-ins. Could be a nice way to keep track of trends, at least.

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I have been going to the gym for almost 4 weeks. Tomorrow is my weigh-in and training session.

I really can see progress. I have been going to Pilates twice a week, and today I was able to do a roll-up (with crappy form, but still) without grabbing my leg to give myself a boost. I wasn’t ever able to do that before. My core is getting stronger. Hell, all of me is getting stronger. I like this.

I’m still doing well with the no-sweets thing. I haven’t actually had any sweets at all in over a week, when I had some chocolate mousse the night that Sean and Sonja and I went out to dinner. This is so unlike me that it’s a bit freaky.

I got my hair cut. That always makes me feel better about myself.

Also, my kid is doing so well in child care these days. Separation anxiety is almost non-existant. I plop him down on the floor, sign in, get him tagged, hand his bottle to Molly (the child care lady), and leave. Today, there was a little girl up near the front of the room when I dropped Critter off, and he just couldn’t take his eyes off of her, smiling his fool head off. So utterly cute. Also, the Pilates classroom has windows that look in to the child care room (mirrored on the kids’ side) and today when I peeked in to see how he was doing, he was actually out in the room playing. He was banging on a little xylophone, happy as a clam. Not that clams play the xylophone.

Joining the gym was an awesome thing for both of us, I think.

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I’ve lived with depression for as long as I can remember. At some points in my life, it has been easier to manage than others. Right now? It’s pretty managed. I’m on a small dose of Zoloft, and it really does make a difference, most of the time. The main place where it fails at all is during every month’s bout of PMDD.

Luckily, my cycle is fairly regular, and I’m self-aware enough these days to notice what’s going on, and to give friends and family warning that I’m going to be cranky/sad/introverted/agoraphobic/tired/more-helpless-than-usual for a week or so. Sean takes good care of me. The system works well.

This month is different, though. Like in the past, I can see the depression hovering around my brain. Unlike in the past, I feel like I am actually right there in the middle of it. I’m not hiding my self off to the side somewhere. I feel great clarity in the middle of what has in the past been a great fog.

I’m certain that this change is due to the fact that I’m not self-medicating my depression this month with sugar.  Normally, I’d have the initial onset of low serotonin, and reach for the peanut butter cups, and eat for a week, and come out of it a week later feeling bloated and fuzzy-headed but emotionally okay. This time, the depression seems deeper, but I feel incredibly calm about it, and I’m actually experiencing it, rather than avoiding it.

Sean’s worried about me. I’ve promised to make an appointment with my doctor and talk about possibly upping my meds (possibly even just for this one week out of the month).

I think this is a change for the better, even though on the surface I have been feeling worse. It’s really strange, the layers of emotions that are going on. Deep down, I feel very good about actually feeling bad.

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Foods in “bar” form have always broken down into one of several categories for me:

  • Chocolate (NOM NOM NOM, but not what I’m eating these days)
  • Granola, chewy (also mostly NOM NOM NOM, especially the ones with chocolate in them)
  • Granola, non-chewy (GROSS)
  • Fruity, with strawberries (allergic to strawberries)
  • Fruity, without strawberries (always full of other things I don’t like, such as nuts)
  • Generic “healthy” (cardboard-textured, cardboard-flavored)

I spent a while in the “bar” section at the grocery store the other day, and came out with something to try: Kashi Baked Apple Spice TLC Cereal Bars. They seemed the most likely to not have an annoying texture, they weren’t loaded with sugars, they were strawberry-free, they had the proper ratio of bar-to-filling, and they were on sale.

Tried one today. I liked it. Yay! Another healthy snack alternative!

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I’ve noticed a few physical changes lately.

The good:

  • I have more energy in general.
  • I feel stronger.
  • I fall asleep faster.
  • My skin is clearer.

The bad:

  • My PMDD is worse. This has been manifesting not only as straightforward depression, but also as insecurity, irritability, fragility, confusion.
  • If I wake up in the night, I have a hard time going back to sleep. This would not be a problem if the kid would sleep through the night.

The ugly:

  • Really fucking bad dreams. This is probably related to the PMDD as well. So, I get the double whammy of waking up all shaky and full of anxiety from the dream itself… and then I can’t get back to sleep. Or I don’t want to go back to sleep. Some mixture of the two.

It’ll shake itself out.

And now I have a mental image of me pulling my head off of my neck and shaking it until my brain falls out on the floor. It makes a splooshy sound.

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I figured something out yesterday.  Now, when I look at it, it seems like such a “duh” thing, that I should have figured this out a long time ago.

I’m not craving sugary junk.

I’m craving the emotions I get when I eat lots of sugary junk.

Now I just need to figure out what all of those emotions are (trivial!) and then figure out other ways to produce them (easy-peasy!). Simple. I should be done with that in a couple hours.


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